Waiters: The New Frenemies

Waiters don't like you. They don't like me. Let's face it, waiting on people is right up there with going to everyone's home and mowing their lawns everyday to those entrenched in the jobs. And, take us customers. We boss them around, more or less, in their eyes. Not to mention, being a waiter isn't a career anymore, so most of them view it as the horrible dues they have to pay until they finally achieve their dream job. Anyway, I tell you all of this because they don't want to be the only suckers in town. They want all of those ordering them around to have a stay at suckerville, too. THIS IS WHY THEY ARE STEALING FROM US. No shit. This is happening on a rampant basis, I just know it.

I've begun monitoring my finances to try and track where I'm hemorraging all my money these days. I keep a little notecard with me and hold onto my receipts and dutifully write everything down. It's cute. When I get to the office, I match my receipts with my online bank statement to see what I forgot to write down. Things like that fifth round of mai tais at 1 in the morning seem to escape my recollection entirely. As I was matching, I noticed the total for my dinner at Saturday's restaurant was off. On the receipt, I tipped $3.75, but online it says I tipped $4. (The total I was tipping off of was $20.) Initially, I started questioning myself, naturally assuming the inherent goodness in anyone who brings me paella with chunks of chicken and shrimp: Was I being a meiser by not tipping the full 20%? I tipped her more than 15% definitely. Did she see it as some crazy slap in the face because I didn't tip whole dollar amounts? Is that weird of me to do that? Was that rude? Is 20% de rigueur now? These are all of the questions that were (ok, still are) haunting me a tad. Not a bit- a tad. Because, REALLY NOW, what the fuck was she thinking? She changed my fucking tip?! No, no, no. Not good.

Bad, waiter lady, baaaaaaad.

This really topped off my whole experience of the place. Of course, I'm going to tell you the name of the restaurant, so you can avoid the place, too. Or, at the very least ALWAYS BRING CASH. It's TAPEO. Wait, did you catch that? It's TAPEO! TAPEO IS CHEAP!! TAPEOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! It rhymes with mayo. T-A-P-E-O.

Before they sat us, they made us promise on our unborn children we would order at least 2 tapas each. "But, of course," we pleasantly replied. We are quite famished and will be eating copious amounts of your (although average, but, hey, it's tapas) food. Although the place was pretty busy, I was wondering if they were experiencing some sort of slump, making them have to double-check with their patrons to make sure they are indeed hungry and that is, in fact, why they are going to a restaurant. We sat down at our table and ordered a couple of iced teas. It was a hot freaking day and I sucked mine down in about .25 seconds. It was a regular size glass, I suppose. Smaller than my water glass, but not miniscule. I asked the thief-waitress for a refill. She replied, "Oh, you would like to order another?" Me, "I have to order another one?" Thief-waitress, "Yes, we don't serve refills." Ah. Yes, I remember reading about the sugar water price gauges sweeping the nation, right next to those oil articles. I understand. Me, "No, thank you."

Who knows, maybe I am the big meiser lady for tipping under 20. Perhaps soon I'll catch myself at Denny's everyday ordering their spaghetti special. What am I saying? No! That's not me! I eat at nice restaurants! I tip 15%+ all of the time!

Sigh.

Maybe my age is showing. I guess it's time to start tipping 20% forevermore.

But only in cold hard cash.