Beer + Morning = God Hating You
I'm taking forever to get to work this morning. I'm printing shit out, playing with my iTunes, etc. It doesn't help that I woke up at 7:30. (Gotta be at work at 8:30. Maybe some of you can pull that off. I sure can't.) But, hey, it's a holiday! Well, holiday weekend at least. Let the useless activities begin! I'm starting the morning off with a beer. Is that wrong? Well, if I gotta ask...sure sign of wrongness. I'm actually feeling a little buzzed- it being the morning, that can happen from one beer- when I notice I have a voicemail. The iTunes is still playing loudly in the background, when I believe what I hear to be my boyfriend telling me he's hit a tree. Am I drunk? Did I hear that right? Oh my god! Turn off the iTunes! What's going on?! I play the message again and sure enough, he said, "Call me. I've been in an accident. I've hit a tree." The one time I drink in the morning, this is what happens. Lord, please forgive me. Lesson learned! Lesson learned!
Immediately, I call him back and something strange happens. The call is answered, but no one is responding. Jesus. Is he lying incapacitated in the road, only able to move his one pinky finger to answer the call, his mouth horribly disfigured by glass and bark? My poor baby! I repeat his name over and over, asking him if he's alright. Then, I start hearing some muffled sounds. It sounds kinda like him actually. Like he's talking to someone else. After a little bit of this, I decide to hang up and call back. Again, the phone is answered but no one is talking directly to me. Weird. Maybe the cops are there and he's explaining things? I finally exhale. At least, he's conherent and able to carry on a conversation, albeit not with me. Hmmm. What IS going on? I call back. Again, the phone is answered but no one replies to me. This time, I can actually hear what's going on. It's definitely my boyfriend talking. He's talking about...wait a sec...saltines? Then, I hear people laughing. Major deja vu. WAIT A SECOND. I remember this! He told me this saltines joke yesterday. Motherfucker! He's joking around and I'm making myself more late by worrying about his sorry ass? Not cool, man. Not cool.
Theories running through my mind:
1) He really wanted me to call him back, so he thought telling me he hit a tree would be the winner for having me return his call.
2) He hit a tree, but it wasn't that bad and now he's at work. He wanted to answer the phone, but there were other doctors around, so he couldn't talk to me.
Since he's obviously fine and telling everyone the saltines joke and I am even more sober than before I had the beer, I head to work. I call him a couple of more times on my way to work and also email him. No answer. No reply.
Whatever.
Finally, I'm at work. My boss greets me with a "You're late today, huh?" I want to relay to him that my boyfriend tried to pretend he was dead this morning, but decide it's probably better if I just take the hit. An hour passes, doo do doo, I'm working and successfully putting it all in the back of my mind.
My phone rings.
It's one of my boyfriend's friends. He never calls me. Fuck. What the hell is going on? Is this an evil prank or have I entered the Twilight Zone? A strategy forms. If it's an emergency, he'll tell me straight away. If not, I'll just feel him out and play it cool.
Me: Hello.
Him: Hi, how are you?
Me: Fine. How are you?
Him: What's going on?
Me: Nothing. What's going on with you?
Him: Anything new going on in your life?
Me: (I can't take it anymore) Kumcalledmethismorningandtoldmehehitatree!
Him: I saw him in the hospital this morning, but on a patient bed.
Me: Are you serious?!
Him: He looked ok though. He was laughing as a matter of fact.
The friend wasn't able to stop by the room, so he was calling me to see what was going on. I swapped what I knew with him telling me he looked pretty unharmed. We came to the conclusion that he, well, hit a tree, but it wasn't that bad. If he was sent home, he without a doubt would've called me. I think he was checked out and found to be unharmed (maybe just a little dazed) and went to work. He probably decided to be seen or x-rayed or something since he was going to the hospital anyway. He's telling the saltines joke for chrissakes.
Did I mention we had been driving a rental car for the past couple of weeks? I shit you not that we just picked up the car last night from the auto shop. Oh, so funny.
Can I have that beer now?
Immediately, I call him back and something strange happens. The call is answered, but no one is responding. Jesus. Is he lying incapacitated in the road, only able to move his one pinky finger to answer the call, his mouth horribly disfigured by glass and bark? My poor baby! I repeat his name over and over, asking him if he's alright. Then, I start hearing some muffled sounds. It sounds kinda like him actually. Like he's talking to someone else. After a little bit of this, I decide to hang up and call back. Again, the phone is answered but no one is talking directly to me. Weird. Maybe the cops are there and he's explaining things? I finally exhale. At least, he's conherent and able to carry on a conversation, albeit not with me. Hmmm. What IS going on? I call back. Again, the phone is answered but no one replies to me. This time, I can actually hear what's going on. It's definitely my boyfriend talking. He's talking about...wait a sec...saltines? Then, I hear people laughing. Major deja vu. WAIT A SECOND. I remember this! He told me this saltines joke yesterday. Motherfucker! He's joking around and I'm making myself more late by worrying about his sorry ass? Not cool, man. Not cool.
Theories running through my mind:
1) He really wanted me to call him back, so he thought telling me he hit a tree would be the winner for having me return his call.
2) He hit a tree, but it wasn't that bad and now he's at work. He wanted to answer the phone, but there were other doctors around, so he couldn't talk to me.
Since he's obviously fine and telling everyone the saltines joke and I am even more sober than before I had the beer, I head to work. I call him a couple of more times on my way to work and also email him. No answer. No reply.
Whatever.
Finally, I'm at work. My boss greets me with a "You're late today, huh?" I want to relay to him that my boyfriend tried to pretend he was dead this morning, but decide it's probably better if I just take the hit. An hour passes, doo do doo, I'm working and successfully putting it all in the back of my mind.
My phone rings.
It's one of my boyfriend's friends. He never calls me. Fuck. What the hell is going on? Is this an evil prank or have I entered the Twilight Zone? A strategy forms. If it's an emergency, he'll tell me straight away. If not, I'll just feel him out and play it cool.
Me: Hello.
Him: Hi, how are you?
Me: Fine. How are you?
Him: What's going on?
Me: Nothing. What's going on with you?
Him: Anything new going on in your life?
Me: (I can't take it anymore) Kumcalledmethismorningandtoldmehehitatree!
Him: I saw him in the hospital this morning, but on a patient bed.
Me: Are you serious?!
Him: He looked ok though. He was laughing as a matter of fact.
The friend wasn't able to stop by the room, so he was calling me to see what was going on. I swapped what I knew with him telling me he looked pretty unharmed. We came to the conclusion that he, well, hit a tree, but it wasn't that bad. If he was sent home, he without a doubt would've called me. I think he was checked out and found to be unharmed (maybe just a little dazed) and went to work. He probably decided to be seen or x-rayed or something since he was going to the hospital anyway. He's telling the saltines joke for chrissakes.
Did I mention we had been driving a rental car for the past couple of weeks? I shit you not that we just picked up the car last night from the auto shop. Oh, so funny.
Can I have that beer now?
posted by Notyomomma
1 Word Ups
1 Comments:
I think your boyfriend is a crazy person.
DR. Crazy Person.
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