My New BFF

There's this person in my life I don't think I've mentioned yet. Her name is Charlemagne. I visit with her everyday, so I'm actually a little surprised I haven't said anything about her. She's really uptight, maybe that's why. Is that wrong of me to say? Well, she's kind of a bitch, too. I mean, it seems likes she's picking a fight with me every other day. It's a love/hate relationship, really. I hate her and I'm pretty sure she hates me, but I love it when she's happy and, um, she loves it when she's happy, too.

I'm more or less introducing her today because I think we may FINALLY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD have come to a truce about another important man in my life. You know who that man is, don't you? I know. I know he's all wrong for me, so please let's not get into that. For those reading this who I don't speak to regularly, let me introduce him properly: his name is Mr. Alcohol. What? You know him, too? He's the best, right? I mean, until like 2 am when he coaxes you into running down the block in your underwear while booty-texting all 5 of your last boyfriends and taking camera pics of your boobs smashed against the door of Taco Bell.

But back to the truce. For years, we battled about Mr. Alcohol. No matter how I presented him (say wine, beer, fruity martini, etc.) she just did not like him. She would put up with him for maybe an hour and then you could just feel her start to simmer, then seethe, then get all pissed off telling me to dump his ass like cheap Boons. Even if he was a Bombay & tonic! The nerve! She didn't care what sort of company was around either, she would blatantly blurt out how she felt. Uncomfortable to say the least. Sometimes I just couldn't handle her and would head home, saving myself the torture.

However, this has all recently changed.

You won't believe what has made us the best of friends. After all these years, ends up Charlemagne loves the Champagne! She is all down with it. I don't know if I can explain to you how life-changing this is. And not just champagne, any sort of bubbly- prosecco, cava, moscato, sekt... God, I can almost see all the boobie photos now.